“there are few of his Scottish-based contemporaries that can spin the same high standard of punchlines”
Brian Donaldson, Scotland on Sunday

I understand that before employing me to supply you with jokes you may want to see actual examples of my material, rather than just my CV. I hope you enjoy the jokes below. Please note that, of course, I don’t mind you telling your friends these in the pub, but any commercial use, broadcast or publication of these does require my agreement. Please contact me to discuss this.

My bishop takes your pawn. But is then moved to a new chessboard and the whole thing hushed up.

My girlfriend’s at home tonight, baking. So hopefully the police don’t look in the oven and find her.

My last girlfriend dumped me because she had a foot-fetish. But my c*ck’s only 11.5inches.

I’ve just had an all-day breakfast. My gran’s got alzheimers and loves to cook.

I can remember my gran crying when my granddad went to Heaven. Heaven was the name of his favourite gay bar.

When my Gran died I spend the day on the phone to the undertaker, trying to get him to handle the arrangements. Because he was her favourite American wrestler.

I got arrested recently, for doing nothing more than shouting out “that keeper is f*cking sh*te!” I remember when you could let off some steam at the zoo.

I’d only gone to the zoo because I wanted to watch feeding time. I was asked to leave the mother & baby toilets.

Being Scottish, I’m happy to go down on a woman. You know what we’re like, we’ll eat anything with batter on it.

At school we discussed the great rulers. I opted for the Helix
30cm shatterproof. (As used on C4′s Countdown on 22/07/2010)

I got through three magazines on the train. I’d killed a dozen people by the time they got the gun off me.

I’m in a dispute with Sky. They want me to pay for my satellite dish, but I’m adamant the salesman told me it would be on the house.

This afternoon I just lay back on the couch and had a w*nk. That psychiatrist took a lot of notes.

Every day I’d switch on Fifteen to One, then turn it off, disappointed it wasn’t the bukkake I’d hoped for.

I knocked out a champion boxer with one punch. I’m still banned from Crufts.

I enjoy throwing a ball for my dog, but he hates having to put on a dress and dance with people.

If the government really want Scottish people to stop using fruit machines…maybe they should make fruit come out of them?

My mum’s been getting hot flushes. But she’s changed plumber now.

I’ve just bought a sex manual. It’s basic stuff though, entry level.

I tried to get my n*b elected to parliament, just so my girlfriend would have to refer to it as ‘the honourable member’.

Me and my girlfriend got drunk last night and she ended up getting her stomach pumped. I was too drunk to find her vagina.

Backstreet abortions are a lot like going shopping. You hand over the money, then somebody asks – “Would you like to keep the coathanger?”

I told the court the gospel truth. In the sense that me and my 3 mates all gave slightly differing accounts of what actually happened.

Times change. My nephew got a gold star and got sent to the top of the class. My granddad got one…and got sent to Auschwitz.

Got my Gran a jigsaw for her birthday, waste of time. Put up no shelves and sliced off three of her fingers.

My Grandad collects coupons. He’s a serial killer who slices people’s faces off.

I used to be in the Black Watch, but I left to join a less racist neighbourhood watch group.

Girlfriend died when she was only halfway through fellating me. It was a bit of a blow.

Girls really aren’t tough enough to eat Yorkies. My niece wept when I ate her dog.

My girlfriend read that bl*w-jobs would be better if she hummed. 2 weeks without a shower was pushing it.

In the 1960s, my Grandad was a Radio Caroline anchor. In the 1970s they let him on the boat.

What I learned on my drug counsellor course: Don’t tell cocaine addicts to look in the mirror and take a deep breath.

I was never a big fan of casual sex. A Millwall fan in a Ben Sherman shirt holding a flick-knife to your throat as he bums you.

If Australia “seeks skilled migrants” why does it keep turning away people skilled enough to navigate a tin bath to it?

I’m an interior decorator. By which I mean I refuse to wear a condom.

Girl I had sex with last night got annoyed when I called her “dear”. Apparently her prices are very competitive.

My grandad was in a sketch on TV once. Well, “police artist’s impression”.

I never thought TV violence was a problem until one stamped on me in their high heels.

There was a strike at my uncle’s work last week. The fact he mentioned it shows how sh*t their customers really are at ten-pin bowling.

Had sex with a model last night. Admittedly the wings snapped off but you can still tell it’s a spitfire.

A woman in the old folks home I work at has never used any moisturiser on her body. Tell you what, cracking t*ts.

Prince Charles is continually surprised to turn on the One Show and find it’s not about him.

Walking down the aisle is the happiest day of your life. If you’re a plane hijacker.

I hate it when camels spit. Though in the desert, I should probably be grateful to be getting a blow-j*b at all.

Spent last night lying in bed, watching Friends. They went mental when they noticed me.

In protest against the EU, I always shop in Imperial measurements. I’ve just bought a Death Star of grapes.

Growing up, it was very important for me to have Faith. Because most of my mates had already sh*gged her.

What do you get the person who has everything? An appointment at the clinic.

Received a holepunch at work today. That’s what happens when you bend over in front of one of the prisoners.

I changed all the locks when my girlfriend moved out. We lived on a barge, the canal authorities went apesh*t.

Many mourn, but few realise Abraham Lincoln had been loudly unwrapping boiled sweets for the previous 30 minutes.

I was watching 12 Angry Men last night. Not the film, I just live in Scotland and have access to a window.

I lost two kilos! So the cartel have taken out a contract on me.

My uncle was a pilot. My aunt never gave him a full series.

Heading off now, back to an estate full of drug dealers and hookers. It’s a big car.

I cried while chopping up onions. He was a great dog.

“has flourished… cracking lines”
Jay Richardson, Scotsman

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